Things That Irritate Me

Rather than bore you repeatedly with short lists of marketing-related things I find irritating, I thought I’d bore you just once with what is, at least today, a fairly comprehensive list.

1. Phone numbers on billboards. No one can or will write down your number; it’s doubtful that even a web address will be recalled, though if the URL is memorable, maybe. Billboards (for products/services other than nearby restaurants and hotels) are meant to leave an impression…remind people you’re there. It’s not to get them to call you today. Don’t waste the space.

2. Ads at the gas station. The audio ads – those upbeat, goofy pleas to buy Corn Doodlz and diet soda – are pests. And the ads on top of the pumps, usually for realtors or motor oil, are perhaps the least effective (and least trackable) form of advertising there is.

3. Music at the gas station. I want to meet the guy who came up with this bright marketing idea: “Let’s create a destination where people can fill up on fuel while enjoying old favorites like the Carpenters’ “Can’t Smile Without You!” The whole idea of trying to make the “gas station experience” an enjoyable one is silly.

4. The term “destination.” The only destinations are destinations – like Belize or St. Lucia. A dentist’s office is not a destination. You’re oversimplifying the adult mind if you think it is, and overstating your own significance in the lives of your audience.

5. Jingles. Many of the local jingles you hear are created by a roving team of jinglemeisters traveling from town to town in search of unsung products to promote using clever lyrics and effervescent tunes. I can see them now, sitting in their shabby hotel room trying to rhyme “plumber” with….with what? Dumber, glummer, hummer… Some products and services just don’t warrant a song. Most, in fact.

6. The new Miracle Whip ads. Yeah, you tell ‘em, weird mayonnaise substitute: you’re contrary, you’re edgy, you’re downright irreverent. How ‘bout you lose the attitude and understand you’re simply a sandwich spread?

7. The idea of people having relationships with brands. It could be argued that there are a few brands that do give people (especially people in certain age groups) a more clearly defined identity – fashion brands in particular. But this theory is remarkably ignorant of the fact that most of us interact with brands not because we want a relationship but because we need something from it – cleaning power, absorbency, taste…whatever. Marketers have become egocentric about the importance of their role in your life when you hear them say things like “The Pepsi ethos has evolved over time. The vocabulary of truth and simplicity is a reoccurring phenomena in the brand’s history. It communicates the brand in a timeless manner and with an expression of clarity. Going back-to-the-roots moves the brand forward as it changes the trajectory of the future.” (Marketing types will recognize this BS from the Pepsi Gravitational Field, a treatise of sorts from a big, unnamed advertising agency).